Thursday, May 14, 2015

Anxiety in Chaos: Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos

Chaos.  Defined as complete disorder and confusion.  How does your body react to chaos, do you fight or flight?  This morning I had an anxiety attack.  Not like a breathing into a bag situation. When I have an anxiety attack I cry, not like normal sad crying.  Uncontrollable tears stream down my face for what seems to be no reason, I feel very anxious in my heart, my belly has that sick feeling.  This is anxiety for me and I cannot control it at all, it must run its course.  I don't hyperventilate or pass out, I cry and cannot stop the wave of emotion that settles into my being.
 
My trip to Cali

The first time I had an anxiety attack was a trip to California in June of 2008.  I decided to book a last minute weekend away to spend time with my best friend Lacey in San Diego. It was one of my favorite vacations, I needed the kind of recharge that only your best friend can give you.  On the flight home, before take off, I began to feel uneasy and as we prepared for flight I began to unravel.  Floods of tears came in a completely uncontrollable form.  I was a wreck. As I prayed for calm and peace that did not come for over 30 minutes I was convinced that there was something wrong. However, the anxiety subsided, peace came and the plane landed safely.  I have flown since I was in elementary school, this flight was different.  I was returning from a weekend of peace and calm to my life.  My life was in chaos at this time.  I was a single mom of a preschooler, recovering from an abusive relationship that had just ended and I had shoved my heavenly Father almost completely out of my life.  Year after year since then I have the same reaction to chaos in my life.  This morning was no different.  Chaos has ensued on my life.  We are raising 3 boys, running a business, building a house, involved in our church, involved in community ministries and the list goes on.  Today I looked at my list and I looked around me and I felt paralyzed and alone.  I have callings I want to answer to, I have dreams I want to fulfill, I have a wonderful business I want to succeed, children I adore, a husband I'm crazy about, I am successful woman sitting here in this place completely unraveling. 

Before I could go any further today I clung to scripture:

John 14: 25-27
"All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This was a HUGE time in the lives of the disciples. They had walked away from their lives as they knew it and chosen to follow Jesus in his ministry days here on earth.  I mean I cannot imagine how freaked out they were when Jesus died, the city was in uproar and Jesus was leaving them for a second time now to go to Heaven.  I mean PANIC!!!!  They had spent all their time as believers within his presence, now he was leaving them alone to face the angry world and proclaim his name.  I mean what would you do, what would you say.  But he left them two precious things, that he also plants into our hearts when we lay down our lives to follow him.  The first thing was the Holy Spirit. This is God in us,my mind is blown.  He said it himself "he will teach you all the things and will remind you of everything I have said to you" Amazing.  Secondly, he gave us peace.  Just stop a minute and take in peace.  A big deep breath, a calm, a quiet peace. I am thankful for peace.


Friends, this world is chaos. We are here trying to function in chaos.  When trying to survive the rat race, when trying to keep up with the Joneses we will have trouble, but let us not push our Heavenly Father aside and allow the chaos to take over.  He is with us, he has given us peace.  If nothing else today let us find solace in that.  I'm not sure if my anxiety will be healed, but I will combat it always with prayers for peace in my heart, with scripture and by laying down my life, my troubles at the foot of the cross, that's the only place they belong.

If you are believer, if you have laid down your life and asked Jesus to come then you have the ability to resonate in the peace of he Father who created you to be FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made in his BEAUTIFUL image.

Much Love,
Chrystan

1 comment:

  1. Well written. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story! I too have experienced full blown panic attacks. Thank God for His peace!

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