Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Another Moment of Clarity at the Bottom of the Well (Shower)

This will be a very honest, very raw post.  I am in a morning after state and feel like it's important to get these thoughts and these feelings down on paper.  We welcomed our fourth boy into the world just over a month ago.  Cole Robert Ferrell is 8lbs 3 oz of adorable.  He was two weeks early but is healthy and thriving.  After sleeping for the first 3 weeks, Cole has begun following in Dylan's footsteps and now cries during most of the hours that he is awake.  I am a 31 year old, mother of 3, who majored in education, and has spent my career working with children in an educational setting. Yet here I am sitting at this computer crying over a crying baby.  Most mommies take on the majority of the care of the children.  Most mommies take it extremely hard when something is not going right or well with our children.  I am that mommy.  I feel like I should be the super hero here.  I've babysat since I can remember, my business is kids, I should rock this subject into the ground.  So why can't I figure out what is wrong with my own baby!  Why can't I make him feel better?  There is a voice in my head all the time that tells me I am a failure.  That I'm doing a bad job and that I'm a bad mom and bad person because I am at my wits end.  Adam was at a meeting last night and after a day of fussing and 3 hours of straight crying (the last hour uncontrollable sobs from him and me) Cole had worn me into the ground.  Every nerve I had was fried.  So, my husband comes home to a wife sobbing over a sleeping baby (this is where I feel bad for men) and is brought into the eye of the hurricane quickly.  After gently placing Cole into his Daddy's arms I walked to the back of the house, turned the shower on and had that experience most mommies have had before. The Shower Cry.  It wasn't pretty, it was ugly cry, but it was cleansing.  As I prayed to my heavenly Father desperate for comfort and peace in the fear that failure is all I will continue to see, there it was, clarity.  Just like him, the time that I finally break down and go to him, he says "What took you so long?".  In my tears and prayers I specifically said "Lord how am I going to do this all week.  My husband and partner is going out of town tomorrow.  My friend who comes to my rescue is out of town this week.  My moms in Texas. My Dad and Stepmom are extremely busy this week. We have exhausted Adam's parents as helpers lately.  How can I do this alone, all my help is gone."  And without thunder, without lightning, ever so quietly was my answer. "I am here sweet girl."  I have been here all along.  With that thought I asked for forgiveness for my lack of trust in the one I should've gone to first.  Why do I think I can do this alone? Why do I think Adam, Christy, Melinda, Bill, Diana, Linda, Bob and Sandy are the only ones who can save me when I need help?  I need to turn to God first for love, for patience, for provision, for peace, for a heart change.  He should not be my last stop sitting in a shower desperate for anything.  He should be my first stop so that I don't get to the point where I am grasping in the dark for a light switch.  I'm not saying that God swoops in a fixes all with his magic Jesus wand.  That is not reality and not his plan for us.  But in seeking him first my heart is made right.  There is peace in coming before him and praying to be equipped for what this day will throw at me, this is called faith and it is allowing God to equip me with the armor I need to face the evil one:

Ephesians 6:14-17

New International Version (NIV)
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Maybe you are wondering why I say I need to be equipped to battle the evil one in reference to my children.  Satan whispers in my ear ever so faintly the most harmful words when it comes to two topics in my life 1. Who am I as a wife and 2. Who I am as a mother.  He can so easily sneak into my thoughts just by hopping onto those two topics and taking himself for the wild ride that happens in my brain when failure sets up camp.  I am putting on my armor and I am battling that.  First, by laying it at the foot of the cross.  Second, by speaking truth to myself.  Battling those words with true sentences.  "I am a great Mother"  "I am equipped in this day to handle anything that comes up."  Third, memorizing the word of God.  I can attack the jugular of the deceiver by offering words that pierce him, the words of the Lord. 

Mommies (and Daddy's)  this is a hard task we have.  Babies need a lot of us. They zap us, some days, of all we have.  Children take us on a wild ride of highs and lows. Satan gets us at our weakest points, babies or no babies, he knows what part of your life he can attack you.  He knows just what to say to announce that you are not worthy, that you are a failure. But guess what!!!???  God says; "No way!  She is mine.  She is equipped with all she needs and she is worthy because she is cleansed is my righteousness and covered in my blood." Alone we can do nothing, alone we are not worthy. But in Him we are fitted with armor that will help us battle through this life.

Friends, if you do not know this Lord that I speak of and want to know more about what it means to be cleansed in his blood and fitted with his armor please message me and I would love to talk to you more about it.  Mommies, hang in there.  I know it's hard, I know your exhausted and frayed. I'm right here with you.  Step away, pray, seek him first and he will equip you with what you need to make it through. Ask for help when you need it and remember YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Much Love,
Chrystan

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