Friends, it's been a day. It's been a rough few weeks. Not for any other reason than just because being in life here on earth is rough sometimes. There's been no major drama in my life, I have no reason to say that things were difficult they just were because life is complicated. I want to be very transparent with you today and share a deep dark part of my heart, can I do that? Below you will find a true, word for word, journal of mine from a few weeks ago. I want to share this with you because it is so real and so raw:
I praise and exalt your name. Your goodness overwhelms me today as I feel so raw. Father I'm just worn out today. I long to hear your voice guiding me through each trial, each decision, each heartbreak, each exhausting step. Do you hear me, do you see me? I'm trying so hard Lord. Trying hard to honor you in word and deed. To be all the things. My selfish ways I am battling against. The ways of the world I am waging war against. My evil thoughts I strike a match to burn away. Do you see me God here at your feet? Can you feel my tears on your toes. Do my sobs rattle your throne? They are silent sobs Jesus, so that no one else can hear them. But do they still echo in your eat? Abba, here I am Father battling, crying, raging, silently aching for more of you.
Don't we all have days of failure? Days where we feel like EPIC FAIL should be stamped on our foreheads. I mean it's tough being and doing all the things all the time. Living up to the expectations of the world, of the PTA, of the Bosses and church lady's and mom's in the car line. To hold even a candle to robo work out lady and super crafty momma who comes in with engraved stones for each child on Friendship day at school. I mean it's just so much right? This day, this 14th day of January was just ROUGH! I felt like I was failing, failing at mommy hood, failing at Christianity, failing at being a wife and a daughter and a friend and so on. I ached for someone to care, I ached for someone to cry out to. DOESN'T ANYONE CARE I'M DROWNING OVER HERE! God cared before we even knew he cared.
I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have troubles, But take heart! For I have overcome the world!
Sisters, God sees you. He hears you cry out, he feels your tears and he knows just how you feel. This world rejected him, they persecuted him, he went hungry and thirsty, he was wounded, he was cursed, he was persecuted, left broken and dead. He knows where you are at and he hears you and loves you fiercely. Lay these burdens down at his feet and walk away abounding in his grace and love. The journal entry above was me, crying out to the Lord and laying at the foot of my Savior to have him lift up my head and say "Dear Daughter I know you, I love you, you are mine. Go in Love and Grace sweet girl." and that is what I did.
Please know, there is no perfection in me, there is no goodness without Christ. Nothing I say is from a seat of perfection only from a place of endless Grace. God's grace and love can cover you too, as you are beautifully, wonderfully and fearfully made in his image and he LOVES you fiercely!