10 years ago this week I was pregnant, I was not married, I felt alone, ashamed, abandoned and unworthy of love. Unworthy of the love of my parents, the love of my friends, my family, the love of the man who helped create this child, I felt a shame that was unloveable. Then there was light. There was darkness, then there was light.
I didn't hold shame after that. I broke free of that, God freed me there in that moment when I saw light, I was free from the darkness of shame. The next two years of my life had many trials. I was struggling to build my career, find my place in the church (which felt impossible), care for Cohen and navigate the awkwardness of co-parenting and all the pain that came with that. But he held me through the most trying times I have ever endured.
He held me through my friend Nicole, the friend who could've walked away but stayed. She could've have said I was too much, but she prayed instead. She was there, in the delivery room, holding my hand and crying with me. She was there when light came back into my life and that is something I could never repay. This was Jesus in her life and grace in mine. I am forever thankful for a friend that injected herself into my life in such a way that God's light shined in darkness and broke the chains of shame in me. I pray God blesses her abundantly for this act of love.
He held me through trials. For 2 years of my life I journeyed through this new life. I had some HUGE stumbles back into darkness but never chose to stay. I battled depression and the lie of unworthiness that echoed in my mind. I moved, I found a rekindled love for Christ and I marched forward into the unknown with batted breath, knowing that good was in me.
Cohen Michael Fuller changed me. He still changes me. I look into his eyes and I still see that light. The light that on December 20th, 2005 woke me up and brought me out of the pits. Each step forward was not easy, but has been nothing but blessing. As I reflect on what this child is I am reminded that no other struggle has been more painful yet more full of abundant love and grace. I have learned so much through these last 10 years. Mostly that we just all need to be grace givers. My Pastor says we should be the most joyful people, because in Christ we are made new. I would say yes to that and add to my own story GRACE GIVER. A joyful grace giver, because I have been blessed by God's grace and the grace of team Cohen.
I am immeasurably blessed and forever changed by the 10 years I have had with this child. I have allowed myself to dream big dreams for him because I know this future is no longer filled with darkness, only great light! Cohen, God has used you to change me forever. My prayer for you is that you will let your light shine in the dark places. That you will lay down your nets and follow him at all costs, knowing that there is no greater life to live. You were BEAUTIFULLY, WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY Made in his precious grace filled image. I love you so much but GOD loves you more.
To the rest of you, hug a single mom today, believe me she needs it more than you can ever imagine. Bathe her in love and grace, the struggle is real!
PS- Here's a look into our journey. Cohen says this is our family song. I couldn't be more in agreement!