Fall is a busy season for me.
Work is busy, ministry is busy, my family is busy. We have been running
around from here to there every day this month.
So it's been easy to push aside a pending date. A date that could be a big deal but also
could be shoved to the side fairly easily, since there are so many people who
don't even know.
However, in this season of life I am more than for
transparency. In this season, this busy
season, I am so for the scary share. In this social and political climate, I am
so for telling the story about the day, ten years ago last week, that a man
forced his way into my home and violated me.
Ten years ago, I was the single momma of an almost one-year-old
little boy. Struggling to work it all
out, I spent most days wondering how I would ever do all the things that
required two parents as just one. On
this particular weekend, my son was out of town with his dad. I was working a big event for my job, an
event that left me exhausted on a Saturday night in October. All my friends were going out on the town,
but I was tired and reluctant to go.
"Just come out for one drink," they pleaded. "You don't have to stay out all
night." So, I dragged myself out for "one drink." The bar was
loud; there were so many people there. For a while I tried to be in the
moment--it was a night free from the obligations of motherhood. I should enjoy
myself.
However, as this night wore on, there was a guy that just
wouldn't quit. He was not in the
business of hiding his interest in me, and I was not in the mindset to fake my
interest in him. Finally, after multiple
attempts to shake him off, I decided to just leave. I was tired anyway. Here's where I made a mistake. I told this
man that I was tired from a long week and day of work and was headed home. I
didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I played the "it's not you it's
me" card and made my way to my car. In hindsight, I would have been more
aware, but who would have known the next series of events?
This man followed me to my townhouse. I was completely unaware.
He knocked on my door and I, unaware and naive, answered it. This man, despite
much begging and pleading from me, raped me in my cute little yellow townhouse,
where I lived with my ten-month-old. There on the stairs in my home, I was
violated and robbed of any peace of mind a single 25-year-old woman could
have.
So why now? Why should I share this now? Ten years seems like a big anniversary to me.
Most ten-year anniversaries are celebrated with jewelry or a big vacation,
popping the cork of a well-aged bottle of champagne. Last weekend I didn't have
time for all of that. But today, in celebration of surviving all that your
body, soul and mind go through after a rape, I want to share what God has
taught me through this. I want to impart wisdom given to me through this
terrible event.
1. Be Aware:
Ladies, daughters, teens and girls. Be
aware of your surroundings and what you
say. Rape is never the fault of the victim, but you may be able
to protect yourself from this happening if you are aware of what is going on
around you, and aware of what you say and give away in conversations. You cannot be too aware of what you say or
do--maybe ever.
2. Tell Someone Right Away! Afterwards, I was literally in shock. I was
so shocked that I showered and went to church first thing the next morning.
Throughout service I began to shake violently. I couldn't stop crying. Even
through lunch at my parents' house, I was just crying. My dad was leaving on a
business trip; they had so much going on and had already done so much for me. I
just couldn't tell them. I was frozen in time. Finally, a friend convinced me
to go to the hospital. There they completed a full rape kit, which was like
being violated again. HOWEVER, this man's DNA is forever in the system. If this
ever happens again, the report will come up and he will be held responsible for
his actions. Tell someone. Don't hide. They will help you. I had three friends
who rallied with me that day. One took me to the hospital, one picked my son up
and brought him home, and one stayed with me. I was so scared to tell; it was
so hard. I get it, but telling is a part of the healing process. You must
process or you will not heal. I am forever thankful for the women who came
alongside me during this time. It has actually taken years for me to tell my
parents. It was so hard, but once I did, I felt more free. You can do it.
3. It's Not Your Fault and It's Never Ok: We have a
candidate running for office that has bragged about violating women. We also have another candidate whose husband violated women while in office. This is
not okay. No man should ever be trained
up or told that this behavior is her fault, not his. That she shouldn't have
worn that dressed or kissed him that way. That she really wanted this. No woman
wants this. It's not okay, and it's not your fault. Anyone who says so is wrong and also needs
help. Let us commit to raising up our boys and girls to understand the
difference and act accordingly.
4. Healing Will Come: Ten years later, God has healed this
hurt. Actually a number of years ago, God worked in my life to show me how He
cared for me during this time. For a number of months after this event, I hit
rock bottom and stayed there. Without a child to care for, I don't know what
would have happened to me. Somehow, some way, down in the deepest darkest place
of my heart, I found some light and God lifted me up. It took years after that
to process what had happened and to allow myself to heal and feel safe
again. I moved, which helped. I realize we can't all move, but before I
moved, I completely changed my furniture, my sheets, my home layout, even my
hair. I then changed my heart and sought the Lord with my sorrow. Again, this took a lot of time and processing
and some therapy, but it happened. (This falls under the stages of grief.) I
also have some PTSD. I cannot watch rape scenes on TV or in movies. The word "rape" makes my ears burn.
These are things I can't stop, but I do not let them run my life. I can only
say, God cares. He sees you in your hurt, and He will love you through this if
you'll let Him.
5. Overcome Evil with Good: If you have been raped, may I
give us all a pep talk? It's easy to stay in the place of pain and sorrow over
this, to live in the shadow of shame, and to protect ourselves from the
hardship of sharing our stories. I encourage you to seek healing so that you
can, in turn, share your story. Why share your story? To prevent and to
empower. My prayer is that, through hearing this story, a man might think twice
before making a crude remark about rape or assault. Maybe a girl will put her
head up when walking to her car and prevent an attack. There might be a woman
reading this right now who has been living with shame from a rape that was
never her fault. Maybe she will be freed in these words, knowing there are
others of us out there. Evil must not win here. God can prevail in the stories
of survival and healing. I am no longer a victim of this; ten years later, I am
empowered and free. I pray this for all of us.
It's not that I don't have hard days, but they are few and far
between now. I am married with three boys and a life that I could never have
dreamed up in a million years. I know that's not the case for all of us, and
this life did not come easy. Yet I am
more than thankful to sit on this side of the computer, telling you the hard
truth about sexual assault and encouraging you to share and to fight for women
across the world who are hidden in the shame of this terrible act of
selfishness. There are many ways to stand up to sexual violence:
1. Teach your daughters the dangers and how to be aware. Open the line of communication so
that if, God forbid,
anything ever happened to them, they would come to you for help and
healing.
2. Teach your sons to respect women always. That no means no no
matter what. Train them up
to know that violating
a woman is never ok. Ever.
3. Support a local abuse victims program. (Here in KC we have
Hope House.)
4. Let it reflect in your vote. (Prayerfully consider your
candidate, is all I can ask.)
5. Be aware of your surroundings. Be aware of the words of
others. Be aware that this is not a problem that is
going away. Guard yourself and impart
wisdom on the children, teens and singles in your life.
Finally, I want to say to men: if you have committed an act of
sexual assault or sexual violence, there is healing and hope for you at the
cross, too. There is healing for you there. God forgives. You just have to be
willing to admit your sins and ask for His forgiveness. I have forgiven my
attacker and hope he has repented and changed his ways, or will do so. My true
prayer is that no other woman would fall victim to his attack again.
This was a hard blog to write. I ask that only words of
encouragement for myself and others who have fallen victim to this terrible act
be written in the comments. I do not
share this for sympathy; I share it to empower.
Please help me celebrate my ten-year anniversary by sharing this, so
that others may hear and know. Here is a song that I have been listening to and thinking about the healing that has accured for me over the past 10 years, maybe it will help you too:
God made us beautifully in His image. He is the Great Physician
who loves us dearly, and He alone can heal all the hurts.
Much love,
Chrystan
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