The Dream Thief

(Unsplash:Steve Halama)

Dreams.
Goals.
Passions.

Do these things we dream of, do these gifts we long to share, these goals we've set and these things we chase after have a shelf life? If not what's stopping us?

For days I've sat at my desk staring at my dream guide and my purpose sheet trying to put into words what's in my heart.  Writing them down seemed impossible and I couldn't figure out why, until today. It all boils down to fear.  Fear. What an ugly word.  I've boiled my fear down to two main things:

Failure
I'm afraid I'm not good enough to bring it all to fruition.  I'm afraid I will let those in my corner down or those out of my corner will be proved right. I'm afraid I really can't do it.

You
I'm afraid you think I'm too old. I'm afraid you will think I just like the next new thing. I'm afraid that you think I'm crazy. I'm afraid that you think I think I'm pretty awesome. I'm afraid you won't be safe with my dream. I'm afraid I won't live up to your standards. I'm afraid I don't fit your mold. I'm afraid when I chase these dreams I will let you down. I'm afraid I'm not enough.

Today I wrote them all down. All of the outlandish things that God has laid on my heart, maybe even since I was a little girl.  All these dreams that I may fail at all these goals that you may say I could never achieve. The things I may be too old for or not good enough for, those things...I wrote it all down.

You see, I was afraid to write them down because I didn't think I was enough. But I realized today that I'm right, I am not enough and that right there will set you FREE.  These things God is calling me to, I can't do them...
I can't make them happen
I can't work hard enough
I can't be all the things necessary to make them happen

That's the beauty of these crazy dreams God gave me.  I'm not enough, but he is.  I am dreaming dreams that make me so uncomfortable. They call me out on the waters where there is no life boat in a storm that I cannot tame, this year these dreams of mine are so big and so bold only God could make them happen.  Those dreams, those are the best ones to have. I am learning if we are not stepping out in such bold ways that we are scared, with knees knocking so much so that we have to lean on him to stand up, then girls we aren't dreaming with the knowledge that our God is mighty. Our God is Uncontainable. Our God makes blind men see and raises the dead. He made mountains and moved them around to create the earth.  He is mighty! Sweet sister he is big enough to accomplish whatever he is calling you to without you, but he loves you so much he invites you to do it with him. Stop limiting him and start dreaming with him.

Whatever it is, it's not bigger than the God calling you to it. But you must invite him into your life.  You must.  You cannot go forward without him, he must be a part of this plan. So today, I wrote them all down and I prayed. I prayed that I would honor him with these dreams. I prayed that I would not go before him. I prayed that I would be diligent in my ways to seek the kingdom with these gifts.

Today I pray that whatever it is that seems so huge that God is calling you to do that you will ask him to lead the way.  Whatever it is. Maybe it's going back to school, maybe its seminary, maybe it's a total career change, maybe it's staying home and homeschooling. Whatever that BIG scary thing is, I pray you will seek God with it.  That you will do it with him.  I am praying that you are brave enough to step out and do really big uncomfortable things for the glory of God.  I pray that for myself.

He made us, he pursues us, he longs to give us the desires of our hearts, you dear girl are FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY made in his loving image. He can and will do immeasurably more than you can ever imagine.

Go with God this year.  Write those dreams down and chase after them with a HOLY passion! I'm right here with you, shaking in my cowgirl boots!

Much Love,
Chrystan

PS- Want more on CALLING?  Join us over at Imperfectly Brave this year as we study CALLING!  Register for this free program HERE.

Find Your Tribe

This past week I celebrated 35 years of life.  My people rallied and gave me a great week with cards, gifts, notes and acts of kindness.  My husband sent me out of town with my some dear friends and we had a weekend away that included a lot of laughter, a Branson Christmas Variety show, shopping, Christmas lights, chips and queso and lots of girl talk.  It made me so thankful for my TRIBE. Let me tell you about my people.

Years ago I prayed.  I prayed for God to send me authentic women.  I longed for deep friendships in my local community.  I have lots of friends spread out all over the country (and world) and I cherish them dearly.  What I was longing for was people here where I live, to do life together.  A connection deeper than the glaze over of "how are you" "I'm fine".  Though I was surrounded by people all the time, I still felt lonely. So I prayed.

Then came one friend. Then came two. Then three. Today I can say I have a tribe of women who are fierce for me.

Through what I will call tribal living I have seen change in my life.  I have been and am being refined. I have been cared for and comforted. I have learned more, I have lingered longer.  My walk with God has been so sweet and so good. I have leaned in to prayer and study more than ever.  These women, this tribe, they have set me free from perfection and performance. They meet me where I am and lift me up when I need lifted.  God has used these authentic relationships to reveal pieces of me that need mending, shaping and refinement.  God has shown me his grace, love and provision through these women.  He has taught me how to love outside my comfort zone and how to say I'm sorry even when it was really hard to do.

My willingness to open myself up to authenticity has allowed for some of the best years in my life.  Not because they have been free from hurts, difficulties and trials.  Definitely not!  These last few years have been trial, after trial, after trial.  God provided helpmates for me, to be real with, to hold fast to truth with, to hold me accountable and encourage me to seek first the kingdom for all things.  Not to seek them, but to seek the kingdom.

Tribal living has become life for us.  We do life together.  We feed each other when life gets crazy. We unpack boxes for each other. We take each others kids when we need date nights.  We break bread and drink wine around tables in our homes.  We hug and we cry.  We worship and we pray.  We are fierce for each other and do life together in abundant grace not in judgment.

We also open ourselves up to be the tribe for others.  Beth Moore reminded us in one of her studies that you can't be turned inward with your people all the time, we must not be shut off to the other people out there.  So, we turn outward, we care for others, we bring others in and teach them how to be authentic.  We cannot be an elite club of women, we have to be inclusive, as women we should always be working on this.

This weekend and recently, my eyes have been opened to see that this is the exception not the rule. It seems that women think that they have to have it all together. It seems that we have a hard time being friends with each other. It seems to be that we would rather compete than cheer-lead.  Ladies, there is enough for everyone. There is also enough competition out there in the world, let's not compete with each other.  Let's hold each other up to success.  Let's choose authenticity over fake. Living authentically with each other, doing life together, cheering each other on and offering one another all the grace. This is where it's at girls.  I promise once you break down those walls you will never want to build them up again, not ever.

May I encourage you right where you are to begin praying for authentic relationships with other women. To break down walls with each other and do life together.  It may hurt sometimes. It may not be easy.  You may not always agree.  But if you fight for it it will become some of the most beautiful things about your life here on earth.  Community, unity and tribal living has offered some of the best moments of my life.  I pray that you will find the same.  I have so much more to say on this topic, maybe a study of community will be in order here. Until then, who can you build an authentic relationship with in the new year. How can you break down the walls and reveal true pieces of yourself to help another woman struggling? Maybe it's as simple as asking someone to coffee and truly getting to know here or maybe it's taking a leap of faith and starting a prayer group. I can't wait to hear how this changes your life!  Keep me updated!!!!

You are worthy of really good people in your life, who see you as a woman who is fearfully and wonderfully made in His beautiful image.

Much Love,
Chrystan

PS- Pray hard ladies, you will have to fight for this at every turn because UNITY in women is so very glorifying to God and feels impossible at times!  Pray harder, fight for each other it is worth it! I promise...
PPS- please share this, like this, subscribe and let's be in a tribe together!

Rescued

When I was a little girl, well maybe not really little, but as I am about to begin year 35, the younger me looks younger and younger.  When I was younger, I was on vacation with my parents. We were in a hotel pool outside in whatever state we were visiting (I'm so old I can't remember).  I was playing with my brothers and turned around to see a little girl, maybe two or three, drowning in the pool.  I swam over to her and simply stood her up, as she was just on the steps of the pool, all she had to do was stand up and she was ok.  She was still chocking on the water as her mom rushed over. They didn't speak English so I couldn't understand her mom at the time, but I believe she was thanking me.  I was reminded of this today as I was recalling a recent message my friend Andrew gave at church. I don't remember all the details of his message, I mean I'm a mom of three I barely remember my own name, but one word keeps coming back into my brain: RESCUED.

Did you know that you need to be Rescued? Did you know there's a rescue plan for you already played out and in place?

Some of us don't realize it but we are drowning and all we need to do is stand up.  It seems like we like to have the feeling of drowning sometimes.  As I looked at my December calendar this week I paused.  I have something every night, every weekend, everyday has a commitment.  So much for a season of peace.  Maybe I like to be drowning in a sea of busy, maybe it's hard for me to have silence.

For you it may be something else.  Maybe you're drowning in a sea of bad relationships, ones in which you give pieces of yourself away, so much so that you feel there is nothing left. Maybe you are drowning because there is nothing left anymore to hold you up.

Or others it may be work and accomplishments.  You work all day and all night to build up an empire because that, that is what will show that you have great worth. Your net value.  You are drowning in a sea of accomplishments that when they are the only thing left could never withstand the weight you carry.  Pieces of paper can never pull us up out of the water.

And today one of you is reading this and you are drowning in life.  All you do is give yourself away over and over and over again. To your spouse, your kids, your church, the PTA, nonprofit work, fundraising, book writing, blog posts, praise team, ministries, caring for the needy, caring for the not needy, that ailing parent who takes it all out of you, your child who has cancer...and so on.  Today you are siting here with your head under water, chocking on just regular life and it overcomes you completely.  Nothing is holding you up anymore, only weighing you down to sink further.

To all of you I say, stand up and be rescued.  God has put it within you already.  Once you lay down your life to him, the Holy Spirit dwells within you and that is your rescue dear friend.  This season of Christmas is celebrating the middle of the rescue plan which began in Genesis, was predicted in Isaiah and came to fruition in Matthew-Mark-Luke and John.  Jesus is your rescuer.  He swam over because he saw you gasping with your head under water.  He has his hand under your arm holding you, now you need to stand up.

You are his rescue plan, stop drowning in life and let him lead you up out of the water, dry you off and set you back on solid ground. Life will still fill up, calendars and work and family will still be vying for our attention, but your focus will change.  Serving will become a call, loving will be challenging but worth it, work will be to glorify God and relationships will be tricky but beautiful in his presence.

Stop drowning, stand up, and be rescued.

Your rescuer came here with you in mind to fulfill a prophecy of life, death and resurrection; so that you could spend eternity with him because he loves you. You dear friend, are his daughter (son), beautifully made in his image and fully worth the RESCUE.

Much Love,
Chrystan

Renewal

RENEWAL: The replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run down or broken.

The wonderful thing about this time of year is renewal.  One would think that that time would be the New Year, but I beg to differ.  Spring is renewal for me, the replacing of the worn out.  I have seasonal depression so I find myself in what feels like a hopeless rut for about 3-4 months of the year (my poor husband).  I just feel blah. I get chubby, grumpy, sad, and difficult. I try to find joy in so many places but joy does not come.  Through prayer I survive this every year.  This year was better than the last few.  I took vitamin D and combated it in every way I could.  Now I get to stare fully into Spring knowing the next part of the year will likely be easier to manage.

I am a woman all about renewal.  I roll well with change.  I like to try new things.  I embrace new ways of doing things, new schedules to try, fun workout classes to attend and basically just love to dive right in!  For some of you the thought of all of this is making it hard to breathe, I understand we are not all creatures of change.  During this season of renewal what I want to remind us all of is the renewal that comes with our life in Christ. If you are a believer you get to be reminded of something so precious this week.  The life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. This is the ultimate representation of renewal.  In Revelations 21 we get a picture of this:

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. he will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Can you just imagine, all the new things!!!??  He makes all things new!!!  You, me, your family, your church...newness.  If you surrender your life to him you are made new in him.  There's nothing he can't fix in your life there's nothing lacking in him, he brings beauty even in despair, he brings life even in death. Renewal at it's very best.

 Just like Spring is bringing in new blooms, green grass and lush gardens full of life; God is bringing newness to his believers each and every day.  Allow him to work in your and through you. How can you do this? Surrender your life to him and run hard after his promises and words (read the Bible, be in fellowship, tell others of his love). Sprint to him sweet girl, he will make you new.

Be renewed this week friends.  Allow God to show you his new things for you.  Allow him to take you by the hand and show you all his goodness and believe me HE IS GOOD!

Much Love,

Chrystan

In Sickness and In Health

I have been out of order for the last 10 days.  Sick as a dog.  What started as a sore throat, morphed into some of the worst pain I have experienced.   I couldn't eat, sleep, read, work, listen to music, drive or even play.  I was down. The infection that was initially in my throat made it's way into my ear and on a flight home from Austin wrecked havoc on my inner ear canal.  Ear pain, THE WORST! Finally, I have been granted some relief today after being loaded up on steroids yesterday.

Being down is for the birds.  Not my favorite thing, I don't do forced relaxation well. I have too much to do to not be doing something. I run a home, a business,I'm part of a growing women's ministry, I have my blog, I have my Church body, I have many roles in the Church, I have bible studies to do and bills to pay.  I have all the things.  I cannot be down for 10 days.  I mean who can?  So, I aggressively prayed and frantically pleaded for God to take all this sickness away. To make me feel better. To relieve the painful pressure in my ear, I was seriously in mind numbing, mind loosing pain ya'll.  He, however, did not choose that path for me.  Instead he sent me love.

Love the poured out all over me these past 10 days.  No, Jesus did not show up at my door step and give me a big holy hug (but can you imagine, I would be geeking out!) But instead he gave me a husband who poured himself out for me for 10 days.

He did all the things. He transported kids, cooked dinner, grocery shopped, held me while I sobbed in pain, he drove me to the ER where he had to endure me screaming and crying and snotting and puking and shaking and more.  He sat with me in the hospital and kept me calm. He was my calm in the storm.  He was unconditionally loving me in all the ways I have prayed my husband would. He was romantic. He was caring and also stoic.  He was on my side and by my side.  He waited on me hand and foot, even laying out my pills for me when it was time. He came home early from work just so I didn't have to be alone.

Let me tell you, this is God's great work in my husband. My dear sweet man is not known for being caring and nurturing, he's a true man's man. A rub some dirt on it and get back out there kind of man.  So if you are reading this and feeling envious and jealous I want you to read the following and apply.  I have prayed that Adam and I would learn to love each other the way each other needs to be loved. That God would teach us how to serve each other well.  After 5 years of marriage, we are still working on this.  If you long for this in your life, you must be willing to pray about it and to change the way you are serving to reflect the needs of your spouse (or spouse in waiting).

God saw favor on me by equipping my husband to step up to the plate and knock it out of the park. To be the hands and feet of Jesus, to serve and love me well. Though I'm not sure I would EVER repeat this week again, the silver lining and blessing in it all is to have been cared for and loved well by the man God gave me for so many reasons that I could not begin to list them all.  Sometimes we wonder why God pairs us with these men, we could not be more different right?  But when the rubber meets the road, when the tough things happen, they balance us out and we get to move forward together.

If you are in a season a tough times in your marriage, can I encourage you to pray about your role in your spouses life. How can you love them well? How can you serve them best?  It's probably not the way you want to to be served, but do it anyways.  I promise it will reap great rewards, if even just within your own soul.  Bring those things to the Lord, he will guide you if you let him. After all, he made you in his own image FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY and so BEAUTIFULLY designed to love and serve others.

Much Love,
Chrystan

PS- I am not the perfect spouse, I am self preaching here as well!  Thank the Lord for grace and new days to try harder to live out my vows well!

Anticipation

Anticipation, it's a whole thing.
It's expectation.
It's waiting.

The actual definition of Anticipation is a feeling of excitement about something that is going to happen.  One may anticipate their wedding day or the day they graduate. I would definitely say that we anticipate the arrival of a new baby and would even go as far to say we anticipate the day that baby says Momma for the very first time.  We anticipate love.  It is almost a sense of looking forward to. To wait in great expectation.
Great expectation.

Right now I am sitting here a day away from the realization of a dream. I am packing my bags and heading to Austin, TX (You know my love for Texas!) To take part in the women's event that changed the dynamic of my relationship with God forever.  Two years ago this event set me on a path that is moving full steam ahead in the direction of Heaven.  I am off to Austin with 2 of my dearest friends, on an adventure that I dare say will be full of joy, laughter, tears and forever memories.  Great expectation! The anticipation is almost killing me over here.

One thing I want to blow your mind with today, is that there is one who waits with bated breath and great anticipation for your arrival in his courts.  This past year I worked through the Children of the Day study by Beth Moore (life changing Bible study I HIGHLY recommend)  In her live teaching portion she set my mind to explode when she pointed out "Time is not running out to God, time is running up. It is running up to the time when he is reunited with his children"  I mean can you even imagine?  This takes my breath away.  The God of the universe. The God that created the air you breathe, the sun that rises and sets, the world...all the things...he waits in anticipation for you.  He counts up till the time you return to him.

The clock is ticking.  I am anticipating my event in Austin, but most of all I am anticipating God's work in my life through this experience.  I cannot wait. I also cannot help but think God is more excited and waits more expectantly, staring at the gates of Heaven waiting to be reunited with his sons and daughters.  I eagerly anticipate that also, for so many reasons.

Psalm 84: My Soul Longs for the Courts of the LORD
How lovely is your dwelling place or LORD of hosts
My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD
My heart and flesh sing joy for the living GOD!

What are you waiting in anticipation for? Do you feel like your life is in forward motion or is it stagnate today?  One final thought, the other definition for Anticipation is the act of preparing for something.  Are you only preparing for things of this world?  If so you may be missing out greatly on the love of a Father who eagerly awaits your return to him.  Seek him sweet girl, he awaits your arrival with open arms, abundant grace and love overflowing.  After-all, you are his BEAUTIFULLY FEARFULLY WONDERFULLY made creation.

Much Love,
Chrystan

Underneath

It is officially winter on Ferrell Farms.  The sky is deary, the days are short, it's cold and there is snow.  Let me peel back a layer of myself and tell you I despise winter.  It is just all the things.  I don't like being cold, I can't drive in winter weather due to a car vs black ice situation that could have ended my life and I have seasonal depression so there's that. WINTER, yuck.  However, I have seen some beautiful things around me this winter that called me outside with the little's this weekend.

There was white snow on the ground around the farm this week and it has been so pretty to look at.  Except that under snow there was mud.  Nasty, dirty icky mud.  The ground was so saturated that my boots were sinking down into the mud.  Which left the snow dirty and my boots (and little boys) filthy.

The last few years I have been all in and committed to transparency.  I don't want any woman to begin talking to me, hear me speak or read my blog and think she just has it all together. I always want you to be reminded that I am a hot mess.  There is no perfection in the lines of these words.  I am 100% washed in the grace and blood of Jesus and that is the only way this hot mess steps one foot in front of the other most days.  So, I have a group of women (my prayer group that is now a part of the Imperfectly Brave movement, you can join in too!) that I am nothing but 100% real with.  This week they literally heard me talk about how I have felt so out of sync with God these last two weeks.  I told them all the yucky places while they all sat around my farmhouse table and nodded their heads.  Their pointing fingers were down, they were judgement free and they let me say all the things.  Then they prayed with me. I cry with them I laugh with them and we are so real.  From that group I have realized we just need to be so very real with each other. If we walk in perfection, there is no room for Jesus.  If I act like I've got this all under control then I can't show you that it is only through Christ that I am even keeping my head a float.

Under the snow, was the mud.  But the mud reminded me that there is life, real true growing life under there.  Snow is the precipitation that keeps our ground watered and prepared for the planting and the harvest.  The mud holds that all together till the harvest comes.  There is beauty in each role, the snow, the mud, the yucky of it all holds a beautiful picture in the end.  I want to present Jesus in a good light, I want to be washed white and I am, but then I get muddy again and there is grace.  Wash, rinse and repeat.  Perfection only takes away from the beauty of grace, and ladies grace is where it's at.  May I always be reminded of the hot mess that Jesus loves so fiercely he gave his life away for all the mess to be washed in the blood and remade into a beautiful daughter of the most high King.

I took my eyes off the prize last week and in my transparency I found it all again. In my weakness he stayed strong, sought me out and brought me back. It's not different for you sweet girl.  You can be real, there are people out there that need you to show the imperfection to see the work that the Lord has done and is doing.  May we all find grace in the muddy places, for the harvest will be plentiful.

Much Love,
Chrystan

New Year New You: The Truth Behind Change

In Christ you are a new creation, the old has gone the new has come~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

Last year I made a decision.  I got tired of being sick and tired, literally.  I committed to change.  I've dieted many many times in my life. I've starved myself, obsessed over working out and beat myself up over every cookie, every french fry.  I've spent many years of my life on the body image roller coaster.  Putting much of my value and worth in the numbers on the scale.  So much of my life I valued what others saw as beautiful more than my heavenly Father. Change seemed impossible.

 Last year it was different.  I spent over a year feeling physically crappy, overweight, depressed and lacking in joy.As I began to review what in the world was going on I prayerfully met the idea of change.  That's the thing about change, it's now seemingly impossible to me without Christ's backing.  As humans our nature is set in such a way, because of free will, that change is very hard.  Our selfish nature, pride and willfulness gets in the way of change.  We want so badly to be more organized, have better will power, stay the course, beat the addiction, yet so many times when the rubber meets the road we find ourselves at the end of the year 10 lbs heavier and no better than how we ended last year.  So, I get it.  I get that we may all have the desire for the completion of a resolution and beat ourselves up at the end of yet another year where we failed again.

The difference in this change for me was that instead of journeying out into the big thing alone, I invited God to go with me.  I sought his desire for this part of my life instead of my own.  This changed my perspective. Instead of change being about what size pants I wore or getting a medal in the 1/2 marathon I wanted to run it became more about honoring God with my life and the way I lived it.

Enough about me.  May I encourage you to invite God into these places of your life that you are wanting change in but can't figure out why every year it's the same.  Here's some things you may be holding onto tightly:

Your single life
Your marriage
Problems at work
Weight loss
Sex addiction
Food addiction
Pornography
Loneliness
Past hurts
Drug addiction
Alcohol abuse
Material possessions
Your children
Your home
A health issue
Social media addiction

How do you invite him in to these places? Pray.  Invite him to intercede in your life, to be the guide in your journey. So often we step out, ahead of him and expect him to work it all out. Oh sweet sister it doesn't work that way. God must be the leader in your dance, he is not in the business of following.
30 lbs lighter, free of daily depression, free of illness and joint pain I literally stand before you changed both physically and spiritually.  I invited God into that change, and he was the author of this story.

Who will write the pages of your book this year?

Can I suggest on anthem for 2016:

Much Love,
Chrystan

What Dreams May Come: The Journey of an Un-Wed Mother

10 years ago this week there was a frightened girl. A frightened girl who looked into the future and saw only the looming darkness of the unknown.  Covered in shame, rejected by friends, judged by many, she leaned heavily on the few that stayed. As she stepped one heavy foot in front of the other into the darkness she found there was light, because He cannot help but be light in the darkness and he was there.  He was there in the eyes of her parents as they gave grace and love. He was there in the hand of her friend, who literally held her and walked with her each day, each hour, each minute, there till the end.  God was there in the dark to create light and boy did he ever shine brightly.

10 years ago this week I was pregnant, I was not married, I felt alone, ashamed, abandoned and unworthy of love.  Unworthy of the love of my parents, the love of my friends, my family, the love of the man who helped create this child, I felt a shame that was unloveable.  Then there was light.  There was darkness, then there was light.

When Cohen entered my life after 9 months of darkness, loneliness, fear, and shame there was light.  I saw the light of love in his eyes like I had never seen in my life.  I realized that there was grace, God's grace. There in that moment God could not be in darkness so he lit up my life and I was forever changed.

I didn't hold shame after that.  I broke free of that, God freed me there in that moment when I saw light, I was free from the darkness of shame.  The next two years of my life had many trials.  I was struggling to build my career, find my place in the church (which felt impossible), care for Cohen and navigate the awkwardness of co-parenting and all the pain that came with that.  But he held me through the most trying times I have ever endured.

He held me through my family. With love in their hearts for the prodigal daughter they held me with batted breath to see what God would do with this.  Now I see that their hands were the hands of the Father, dripping with love and abundant grace they stood steadfastly by my side, waiting...loving.

He held me through my friend Nicole, the friend who could've walked away but stayed.  She could've have said I was too much, but she prayed instead.  She was there, in the delivery room, holding my hand and crying with me.  She was there when light came back into my life and that is something I could never repay. This was Jesus in her life and grace in mine.  I am forever thankful for a friend that injected herself into my life in such a way that God's light shined in darkness and broke the chains of shame in me.  I pray God blesses her abundantly for this act of love.

He held me through trials.  For 2 years of my life I journeyed through this new life. I had some HUGE stumbles back into darkness but never chose to stay.  I battled depression and the lie of unworthiness that echoed in my mind.  I moved, I found a rekindled love for Christ and I marched forward into the unknown with batted breath, knowing that good was in me.

Cohen Michael Fuller changed me.  He still changes me.  I look into his eyes and I still see that light.  The light that on December 20th, 2005 woke me up and brought me out of the pits.  Each step forward was not easy, but has been nothing but blessing. As I reflect on what this child is I am reminded that no other struggle has been more painful yet more full of abundant love and grace.  I have learned so much through these last 10 years. Mostly that we just all need to be grace givers.  My Pastor says we should be the most joyful people, because in Christ we are made new. I would say yes to that and add to my own story GRACE GIVER. A joyful grace giver, because I have been blessed by God's grace and the grace of team Cohen.

I am immeasurably blessed and forever changed by the 10 years I have had with this child.  I have allowed myself to dream big dreams for him because I know this future is no longer filled with darkness, only great light! Cohen, God has used you to change me forever. My prayer for you is that you will let your light shine in the dark places. That you will lay down your nets and follow him at all costs, knowing that there is no greater life to live.  You were BEAUTIFULLY, WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY Made in his precious grace filled image.  I love you so much but GOD loves you more.

To the rest of you, hug a single mom today, believe me she needs it more than you can ever imagine. Bathe her in love and grace, the struggle is real!

Much Love,
Cohen's Mom

PS- Here's a look into our journey.  Cohen says this is our family song. I couldn't be more in agreement!

With Reckless Abandon: My 34th Year

For my 34th year I want to live with reckless abandon.  Now, before you start to dial the mental facility I want you to hear and know what this means to me.  I spent a lot of time in my life living for myself.  Really more than 25 years at the least was all about me.  I am learning and growing into a space that has caused me to turn outwardly and see the world. I see loss, despair, hunger, loneliness, emptiness, an un-Godly scary world, and sadness around me.  I see the church huddled in their pews refusing to turn outward for fear of the world.  I see fear of man instead of fear of God.  In my 34th year I want to live facing outwardly in reckless abandonmentt. I want to chase, sprint, after God's desires and I want you to run alongside me.

Reckless Abandon: Throw everything you can into it, without caring about the consequences. Give it all you've got.

I will not let my duties fall away. I will still put God first, I will still seek to serve and love and care for Farmer Adam. I will tend to my family, serve them and love them fiercely. All these things will not fall away, they will only gain from a life lived with great intention.

Great intention. Focused on the prize. I will outwardly face and attack the needs of the community around me. God has me broken for the broken. I have prayed so often, "Lord may I see them as you do, break my heart for what breaks yours." He has done that this year. He placed a broken family in my path, a foster child in my home and gave me a heart for the hurting community of women around me. I don't want this masquerade of church life to go on around me. I want authenticity and action.

This year is the year of outreach in my church. I am ready Lord, send me. I will go where you will go, your people will be my people, you will be my God. To the ends of the earth or just down the driveway, I will seek you Lord with Reckless Abandon. Lord, use my gifts and talents for your glory. You have made me to do your work, you have created my FEARFULLY, WONDERFULLY and BEAUTIFULLY in your image Lord. My 34th year and those that follow will be spent chasing hard after you, FEARING GOD NOT MAN. I will seek you with all of my days.

Thank you for hearing my hearts cry readers.  What is yours? If you don't know the answer to that question, may I suggestion opening the nearest Bible and begin to read, start with 1 John. 

Much Love,

Chrystan