What Dreams May Come: The Journey of an Un-Wed Mother

10 years ago this week there was a frightened girl. A frightened girl who looked into the future and saw only the looming darkness of the unknown.  Covered in shame, rejected by friends, judged by many, she leaned heavily on the few that stayed. As she stepped one heavy foot in front of the other into the darkness she found there was light, because He cannot help but be light in the darkness and he was there.  He was there in the eyes of her parents as they gave grace and love. He was there in the hand of her friend, who literally held her and walked with her each day, each hour, each minute, there till the end.  God was there in the dark to create light and boy did he ever shine brightly.

10 years ago this week I was pregnant, I was not married, I felt alone, ashamed, abandoned and unworthy of love.  Unworthy of the love of my parents, the love of my friends, my family, the love of the man who helped create this child, I felt a shame that was unloveable.  Then there was light.  There was darkness, then there was light.

When Cohen entered my life after 9 months of darkness, loneliness, fear, and shame there was light.  I saw the light of love in his eyes like I had never seen in my life.  I realized that there was grace, God's grace. There in that moment God could not be in darkness so he lit up my life and I was forever changed.

I didn't hold shame after that.  I broke free of that, God freed me there in that moment when I saw light, I was free from the darkness of shame.  The next two years of my life had many trials.  I was struggling to build my career, find my place in the church (which felt impossible), care for Cohen and navigate the awkwardness of co-parenting and all the pain that came with that.  But he held me through the most trying times I have ever endured.

He held me through my family. With love in their hearts for the prodigal daughter they held me with batted breath to see what God would do with this.  Now I see that their hands were the hands of the Father, dripping with love and abundant grace they stood steadfastly by my side, waiting...loving.

He held me through my friend Nicole, the friend who could've walked away but stayed.  She could've have said I was too much, but she prayed instead.  She was there, in the delivery room, holding my hand and crying with me.  She was there when light came back into my life and that is something I could never repay. This was Jesus in her life and grace in mine.  I am forever thankful for a friend that injected herself into my life in such a way that God's light shined in darkness and broke the chains of shame in me.  I pray God blesses her abundantly for this act of love.

He held me through trials.  For 2 years of my life I journeyed through this new life. I had some HUGE stumbles back into darkness but never chose to stay.  I battled depression and the lie of unworthiness that echoed in my mind.  I moved, I found a rekindled love for Christ and I marched forward into the unknown with batted breath, knowing that good was in me.

Cohen Michael Fuller changed me.  He still changes me.  I look into his eyes and I still see that light.  The light that on December 20th, 2005 woke me up and brought me out of the pits.  Each step forward was not easy, but has been nothing but blessing. As I reflect on what this child is I am reminded that no other struggle has been more painful yet more full of abundant love and grace.  I have learned so much through these last 10 years. Mostly that we just all need to be grace givers.  My Pastor says we should be the most joyful people, because in Christ we are made new. I would say yes to that and add to my own story GRACE GIVER. A joyful grace giver, because I have been blessed by God's grace and the grace of team Cohen.

I am immeasurably blessed and forever changed by the 10 years I have had with this child.  I have allowed myself to dream big dreams for him because I know this future is no longer filled with darkness, only great light! Cohen, God has used you to change me forever. My prayer for you is that you will let your light shine in the dark places. That you will lay down your nets and follow him at all costs, knowing that there is no greater life to live.  You were BEAUTIFULLY, WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY Made in his precious grace filled image.  I love you so much but GOD loves you more.

To the rest of you, hug a single mom today, believe me she needs it more than you can ever imagine. Bathe her in love and grace, the struggle is real!

Much Love,
Cohen's Mom

PS- Here's a look into our journey.  Cohen says this is our family song. I couldn't be more in agreement!

Called to Serve

Service. Serving. To serve.  What does that mean to you?  Do you think of a waiter?  Do you think of a service member? Do you think of the self-serve buffet?  Serving those around you is maybe not the first thing that comes to mind.  Maybe it is.  Serving ones tribe can be tricky.  Being called to be of service, to serve lovingly and without bitterness can feel impossible at times.  I struggle here in the very strangest of ways.  Let me explain…

I passionately serve people in my community, in my church and even strangers I don’t know.  I want to help them, I want to feed them, I want to do the things they need done.  I serve on boards, committees and teams.  I’ll feed you, clothe you, plan for you, pray for you. I'll fill a box full of toys and goodies for you.  I’ll help you find a job, connect you with a new friend, bake for you, cook for you and maybe even clean for you.  But when it comes to serving within my own home…now that’s just a whole thing.

It’s hard to serve your family with a joyful heart day in and day out.  It takes a lot of prayer and commitment to stay the course.  To give of oneself when oneself is poured out and worn out.  I get it.  Dear laundry, I hate you all the time!  Dear dishes, you pile up on purpose I think sometimes!  Dear children, didn’t I just feed you!  Dear Husband, why do you need a cup of water in every room!  Dear house, please put yourself on self-clean and move on with it!  I mean it’s constant acts of service around here.  The feeding, the toileting, the providing for. I mean wash, rinse, repeat right?  Well I’m here to say I am guilty of the bitterness of the act of service for my family.  Something that comes so naturally to me outside of these walls is such a struggle here when it should be an out pouring of love on the people needing so much of me.

Needing so much of me, this is maybe where the rubber meets the road.  It’s because there is so much need, so much pouring out, so many things for all the persons at Ferrell Farms.  And so it becomes a heart issue.  If I love God, then I am to serve joyfully, here’s the word… 

 Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

I am serving the LORD in what I do!  This should spur me on while I fold the laundry or stay up late working to keep up.

Philippians 2:5-7 “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.”

I love this verse because it reminds me that Jesus served us by being emptied out and taking the form of a servant.  I mean no clearer picture here of how I should live. To be emptied out of myself and filled up with the goodness of a serving heart and mindset.  Also, I can take away from this that GOD will fill me up on those days where I am completely emptied.  He will provide.

Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Jesus came to serve and to show us how to serve in selfless love.  I want that.  I am determined to serve my sick husband (he’s the worst sick person of ever) with a happy heart tonight.  I am determined to serve these exhausting little people with the pouring out of myself, in the knowledge that God will fill me back up again. I am praying this over my life.

Imagine a fountain.  The top tier, pours into the bottom tier, pours into the big basin which goes back up and starts again.  I pour out only to be re-filled through the act of service.  We do not serve alone, the Father is with us pouring back in as we go. Thank you Lord for that.

FEARFULLY WONDERFULLY and BEAUTIFULLY MADE in his image girl, that is what you are.  Serve your guts out, to God by the glory! Let us be joyful in our service this week sisters!

Much Love-

 Chrystan