What Dreams May Come: The Journey of an Un-Wed Mother

10 years ago this week there was a frightened girl. A frightened girl who looked into the future and saw only the looming darkness of the unknown.  Covered in shame, rejected by friends, judged by many, she leaned heavily on the few that stayed. As she stepped one heavy foot in front of the other into the darkness she found there was light, because He cannot help but be light in the darkness and he was there.  He was there in the eyes of her parents as they gave grace and love. He was there in the hand of her friend, who literally held her and walked with her each day, each hour, each minute, there till the end.  God was there in the dark to create light and boy did he ever shine brightly.

10 years ago this week I was pregnant, I was not married, I felt alone, ashamed, abandoned and unworthy of love.  Unworthy of the love of my parents, the love of my friends, my family, the love of the man who helped create this child, I felt a shame that was unloveable.  Then there was light.  There was darkness, then there was light.

When Cohen entered my life after 9 months of darkness, loneliness, fear, and shame there was light.  I saw the light of love in his eyes like I had never seen in my life.  I realized that there was grace, God's grace. There in that moment God could not be in darkness so he lit up my life and I was forever changed.

I didn't hold shame after that.  I broke free of that, God freed me there in that moment when I saw light, I was free from the darkness of shame.  The next two years of my life had many trials.  I was struggling to build my career, find my place in the church (which felt impossible), care for Cohen and navigate the awkwardness of co-parenting and all the pain that came with that.  But he held me through the most trying times I have ever endured.

He held me through my family. With love in their hearts for the prodigal daughter they held me with batted breath to see what God would do with this.  Now I see that their hands were the hands of the Father, dripping with love and abundant grace they stood steadfastly by my side, waiting...loving.

He held me through my friend Nicole, the friend who could've walked away but stayed.  She could've have said I was too much, but she prayed instead.  She was there, in the delivery room, holding my hand and crying with me.  She was there when light came back into my life and that is something I could never repay. This was Jesus in her life and grace in mine.  I am forever thankful for a friend that injected herself into my life in such a way that God's light shined in darkness and broke the chains of shame in me.  I pray God blesses her abundantly for this act of love.

He held me through trials.  For 2 years of my life I journeyed through this new life. I had some HUGE stumbles back into darkness but never chose to stay.  I battled depression and the lie of unworthiness that echoed in my mind.  I moved, I found a rekindled love for Christ and I marched forward into the unknown with batted breath, knowing that good was in me.

Cohen Michael Fuller changed me.  He still changes me.  I look into his eyes and I still see that light.  The light that on December 20th, 2005 woke me up and brought me out of the pits.  Each step forward was not easy, but has been nothing but blessing. As I reflect on what this child is I am reminded that no other struggle has been more painful yet more full of abundant love and grace.  I have learned so much through these last 10 years. Mostly that we just all need to be grace givers.  My Pastor says we should be the most joyful people, because in Christ we are made new. I would say yes to that and add to my own story GRACE GIVER. A joyful grace giver, because I have been blessed by God's grace and the grace of team Cohen.

I am immeasurably blessed and forever changed by the 10 years I have had with this child.  I have allowed myself to dream big dreams for him because I know this future is no longer filled with darkness, only great light! Cohen, God has used you to change me forever. My prayer for you is that you will let your light shine in the dark places. That you will lay down your nets and follow him at all costs, knowing that there is no greater life to live.  You were BEAUTIFULLY, WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY Made in his precious grace filled image.  I love you so much but GOD loves you more.

To the rest of you, hug a single mom today, believe me she needs it more than you can ever imagine. Bathe her in love and grace, the struggle is real!

Much Love,
Cohen's Mom

PS- Here's a look into our journey.  Cohen says this is our family song. I couldn't be more in agreement!

The Story of Ruth: Chapter 1 Your Tribe

Let's face it family can be complicated.  Mostly made up of a group of people randomly thrown together through marriage and the unlikely combination of DNA and genes that intertwine them.  Family, it's a whole thing right?  My family has some very interesting dynamics.  I have the Fuller side who are pretty much all extroverted (except my step-mom bless her heart she's stuck with all of us) and some of whom are extroverted introverts which is like a real thing and very complicated. The Fuller side brought me to Jesus.  Then I have the Foster side, which is my mom's side.  We are all pretty much sassy in our own right over on the Foster fence.  Full of strong, fierce women, the Foster side has fought hard to get their family where it is today.  They have taught me how to be strong, stand up and stand in for my family.  The Foster side also brings in my Grandaddy who passed away this year.  He was one of my favorite people.  The Foster side taught me that family is a person who walks in the front door.  There are no thick blood lines there are no walls up, just a welcome hug and sweet tea in your hand.  This is why I would say that my family has become more of a tribe than a family.  We are missed matched, some are here by marriage, some are here because they don't have a family so they have ours, some are here through a series of strange happenings that I don't even know the details to but I still call them aunts, uncles or grannies.  The Ferrell's bring a beautiful dynamic of a more quiet, serving support which has taught me so much. I wouldn't have my family any other way.

This is where we find Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible as we launch into our 2 week study of our sister Ruth (take a minute to read Ruth Chapter 1). A brief intro of Ruth will tell us that she basically enters the story a destitute widow of the wrong kind of people. Ruth was a Moabite and had married outside of her tribe.  When we meet her we are walking into her tragedy immediately.  She has lost her father in law, brother in law and husband one right after the other.  Leaving the women with no men, which back in these days was a really big deal.  Through this tragedy we meet Ruth's mother in law, Naomi.  Naomi really has taken the hardest blow here. She has basically had to walk through the death of her entire family at this point. Shes in a foreign country with two sad, scared little girls Ruth and Orpah.  This is where we see Ruth make family her tribe.  In verses 10-14 we hear Naomi telling the girls she basically has nothing to offer them and she urges them to go back to their people.  Which really would leave Naomi completely alone, but she is wanting the best for them. Right here is where we find some of the most beautiful verses in the Old Testament (personal opinion)

16 But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God my God.  Where you die I will die and there I will be buried.  May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me"

She is pledging her life to Naomi no matter what that means to her!  In our society mother in laws get such a bad wrap.  Ladies, I love my mother in law. Linda Ferrell is the kindest most loving woman.  I am so blessed and happy to be in her tribe. Here we see, Ruth pledging to leave all opportunity to re-marry and to have safety and provision in order to stay with Naomi.  We also just saw a HUGE thing happen to Ruth.  She pledges her life to God, even though she doesn't know yet exactly what that means at this time. When she pledges her life to Naomi she also chooses to follow her God, which just so happens to be the God of the Universe. Coincidence, I think not.  This decision will not only change Ruth's life on Earth for the better, which we will see play out through the next few chapters, but her name ends up in the lineage of Jesus and she gets to spend eternity in Heaven. Huge decision here for her.

Family, it's a whole thing right?  I didn't get to talk about the Jacobs side of my family.  Grandma Nancy is my sons grandma.  She loves him with the fire of a thousand suns, rightfully so, he is her grandson. The flip side of that coin is she loves me and my boys and my husband.  She treats us as her family and she doesn't have to.  She gives my kids baths, she buys us Christmas presents, she feeds us and sometimes we stay at her house and her at ours. She is in our tribe by choice.

You see family is who you fight for. It's who you stick with.  Naomi and Ruth maybe didn't see eye to eye on all the things.  They probably voted for different presidents in the last election.  Naomi likely wanted Ruth to have some babies, maybe that was sore spot. However, here in just the first chapter we see them choose each other no matter what.  They became for each other and because of that love relationship God was glorified and their lives were blessed.

What's your tribe look like?  Are you harboring bad feelings for your mother-in-law or that brother that stepped on your toes the last family gathering?  Let's decide that we are going to fight for the family unit again.  Let's fight for our tribes and stop letting the world break them apart over silly things like who makes the jello mold this year at Thanksgiving. Satan hates family. He was to destroy it.  Lets shout out loud, where you go I will go, your people will be my people. Love on your mother in law today and that tricky brother. Grow your tribe in love!

Today is a beautiful day for restoration, go restore those hurts so you can walk together down the road to the next chapter, BEAUTIFULLY MADE and all!

Much Love,
Chrystan

See you in a few days for Ruth Chapter 2, where we meet Ruth's new man!!!