Dear Younger Me: An Assault Survivor's Journey Through Healing

Fall is a busy season for me.  Work is busy, ministry is busy, my family is busy. We have been running around from here to there every day this month.  So it's been easy to push aside a pending date.  A date that could be a big deal but also could be shoved to the side fairly easily, since there are so many people who don't even know. 

However, in this season of life I am more than for transparency.  In this season, this busy season, I am so for the scary share. In this social and political climate, I am so for telling the story about the day, ten years ago last week, that a man forced his way into my home and violated me.

Ten years ago, I was the single momma of an almost one-year-old little boy.  Struggling to work it all out, I spent most days wondering how I would ever do all the things that required two parents as just one.  On this particular weekend, my son was out of town with his dad.  I was working a big event for my job, an event that left me exhausted on a Saturday night in October.  All my friends were going out on the town, but I was tired and reluctant to go.  "Just come out for one drink," they pleaded. "You don't have to stay out all night." So, I dragged myself out for "one drink." The bar was loud; there were so many people there. For a while I tried to be in the moment--it was a night free from the obligations of motherhood. I should enjoy myself.

However, as this night wore on, there was a guy that just wouldn't quit.  He was not in the business of hiding his interest in me, and I was not in the mindset to fake my interest in him.  Finally, after multiple attempts to shake him off, I decided to just leave. I was tired anyway.  Here's where I made a mistake. I told this man that I was tired from a long week and day of work and was headed home. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I played the "it's not you it's me" card and made my way to my car. In hindsight, I would have been more aware, but who would have known the next series of events?

This man followed me to my townhouse. I was completely unaware. He knocked on my door and I, unaware and naive, answered it. This man, despite much begging and pleading from me, raped me in my cute little yellow townhouse, where I lived with my ten-month-old. There on the stairs in my home, I was violated and robbed of any peace of mind a single 25-year-old woman could have. 

So why now? Why should I share this now?  Ten years seems like a big anniversary to me. Most ten-year anniversaries are celebrated with jewelry or a big vacation, popping the cork of a well-aged bottle of champagne. Last weekend I didn't have time for all of that. But today, in celebration of surviving all that your body, soul and mind go through after a rape, I want to share what God has taught me through this. I want to impart wisdom given to me through this terrible event.

1. Be Aware: Ladies, daughters, teens and girls.  Be aware of your surroundings and what you

say. Rape is never the fault of the victim, but you may be able to protect yourself from this happening if you are aware of what is going on around you, and aware of what you say and give away in conversations.  You cannot be too aware of what you say or do--maybe ever.

2. Tell Someone Right Away! Afterwards, I was literally in shock. I was so shocked that I showered and went to church first thing the next morning. Throughout service I began to shake violently. I couldn't stop crying. Even through lunch at my parents' house, I was just crying. My dad was leaving on a business trip; they had so much going on and had already done so much for me. I just couldn't tell them. I was frozen in time. Finally, a friend convinced me to go to the hospital. There they completed a full rape kit, which was like being violated again. HOWEVER, this man's DNA is forever in the system. If this ever happens again, the report will come up and he will be held responsible for his actions. Tell someone. Don't hide. They will help you. I had three friends who rallied with me that day. One took me to the hospital, one picked my son up and brought him home, and one stayed with me. I was so scared to tell; it was so hard. I get it, but telling is a part of the healing process. You must process or you will not heal. I am forever thankful for the women who came alongside me during this time. It has actually taken years for me to tell my parents. It was so hard, but once I did, I felt more free. You can do it.

3. It's Not Your Fault and It's Never Ok: We have a candidate running for office that has bragged about violating women. We also have another candidate whose husband violated women while in office.  This is not okay.  No man should ever be trained up or told that this behavior is her fault, not his. That she shouldn't have worn that dressed or kissed him that way. That she really wanted this. No woman wants this. It's not okay, and it's not your fault.  Anyone who says so is wrong and also needs help. Let us commit to raising up our boys and girls to understand the difference and act accordingly.

4. Healing Will Come: Ten years later, God has healed this hurt. Actually a number of years ago, God worked in my life to show me how He cared for me during this time. For a number of months after this event, I hit rock bottom and stayed there. Without a child to care for, I don't know what would have happened to me. Somehow, some way, down in the deepest darkest place of my heart, I found some light and God lifted me up. It took years after that to process what had happened and to allow myself to heal and feel safe again.  I moved, which helped.  I realize we can't all move, but before I moved, I completely changed my furniture, my sheets, my home layout, even my hair. I then changed my heart and sought the Lord with my sorrow.  Again, this took a lot of time and processing and some therapy, but it happened. (This falls under the stages of grief.) I also have some PTSD. I cannot watch rape scenes on TV or in movies.  The word "rape" makes my ears burn. These are things I can't stop, but I do not let them run my life. I can only say, God cares. He sees you in your hurt, and He will love you through this if you'll let Him.

5. Overcome Evil with Good: If you have been raped, may I give us all a pep talk? It's easy to stay in the place of pain and sorrow over this, to live in the shadow of shame, and to protect ourselves from the hardship of sharing our stories. I encourage you to seek healing so that you can, in turn, share your story. Why share your story? To prevent and to empower. My prayer is that, through hearing this story, a man might think twice before making a crude remark about rape or assault. Maybe a girl will put her head up when walking to her car and prevent an attack. There might be a woman reading this right now who has been living with shame from a rape that was never her fault. Maybe she will be freed in these words, knowing there are others of us out there. Evil must not win here. God can prevail in the stories of survival and healing. I am no longer a victim of this; ten years later, I am empowered and free. I pray this for all of us.

It's not that I don't have hard days, but they are few and far between now. I am married with three boys and a life that I could never have dreamed up in a million years. I know that's not the case for all of us, and this life did not come easy.  Yet I am more than thankful to sit on this side of the computer, telling you the hard truth about sexual assault and encouraging you to share and to fight for women across the world who are hidden in the shame of this terrible act of selfishness. There are many ways to stand up to sexual violence:

1. Teach your daughters the dangers and how to be aware.  Open the line of communication so

    that if, God forbid, anything ever happened to them, they would come to you for help and

    healing.

2. Teach your sons to respect women always. That no means no no matter what.  Train them up

    to know that violating a woman is never ok. Ever.

3. Support a local abuse victims program. (Here in KC we have Hope House.)

4. Let it reflect in your vote. (Prayerfully consider your candidate, is all I can ask.)

5. Be aware of your surroundings. Be aware of the words of others.  Be aware that this is not a problem that is going away.  Guard yourself and impart wisdom on the children, teens and singles in your life.

Finally, I want to say to men: if you have committed an act of sexual assault or sexual violence, there is healing and hope for you at the cross, too. There is healing for you there. God forgives. You just have to be willing to admit your sins and ask for His forgiveness. I have forgiven my attacker and hope he has repented and changed his ways, or will do so. My true prayer is that no other woman would fall victim to his attack again. 

This was a hard blog to write. I ask that only words of encouragement for myself and others who have fallen victim to this terrible act be written in the comments.  I do not share this for sympathy; I share it to empower.  Please help me celebrate my ten-year anniversary by sharing this, so that others may hear and know.  Here is a song that I have been listening to and thinking about the healing that has accured for me over the past 10 years, maybe it will help you too:

God made us beautifully in His image. He is the Great Physician who loves us dearly, and He alone can heal all the hurts.

Much love,

Chrystan

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Sit Still Look Pretty

I am a passionate soul. I think when God created me and blew life and breath into my bones he might have added a little bit of fire.  My poor parents.  I can imagine that trying to raise a girl with all this fire, passion and emotion felt impossible more than once.  Bless them and all of the grey hairs and sleepless nights I gave them.

Now that I am an adult, doing adult things, I have come to realize that this emotion, this passion, has allowed me to survive.  It has brought me through single parenthood, addictions, dire times, abuse and through extreme depression. Somehow God turned all that into good and fueled the flame that he placed inside me, even when I wasn't seeking him.

There are so many people in my life that do not share my exuberant passion.  They are more of a straight and narrow stay on the safe path of life people.  Bless them all.  We cannot all be the same.  There have to be all kinds of people, otherwise the world would either be very dangerous and wild or very quiet and boring.  We are made unique for a reason.

This week I get to do something that I was made to do.  I get to be free. I get to be me.  I get to stand in front of a room of women and lead them in worship and prayer.  I get to take my passion and infuse it into their sweet souls.  I get to lead them into the throne room, what an incredible honor.  Each week on Sunday mornings I stand before a group of people and play a role in leading them in worship but it is a bit different. I have to stay in a safe box. I can't talk out of turn. I can't sing a praise song at the time there was supposed to be a hymn. I can't raise my hands a certain way or even have a posture of prayer on stage because that would shock the masses.  Everything has to look and feel the same every weekend and that is one tall order for this free spirit.

This morning, after a night of practicing for Imperfectly Brave Worship Night (that's this Thursday) I was overcome by emotion. Last night I was so free.  I was comfortable in my own skin, I was beautifully functioning as the fiery passionate little daughter that my good Father made me to be.  I didn't have to fit into a mold, I raised my hands freely and bowed my head while I sang.  I was overcome with my Fathers love in song.  It was beautiful.

Earlier this week someone who means so much to me used my passion against me and it really hurt.  I closed up immediately and shut down.  Last night I was set free, reminded that I was not made to fit into your mold, her mold, his mold, their mold.  I am not a sit still look pretty girl.  I am filled to the brim with fire and love, mixed in with extreme compassion and grace all granted to me through my relationship with the Savior of my soul.  God will call me to function within his plan for me. I cannot be a robot, I cannot look like you and you should not look like me.  You are called to be you, to chase after Jesus in the way he calls you to.  I am called to love passionately, to go do, to pour into people and bring grace to them in all the ways I can. We are all called to worship, to love well, and to be the hands and feet of Jesus in obedience to his word. I may do that with the passion of 1,000 suns, you may do that in a more reserved way, but let's both decide to do it anyways.

I am learning to embrace my passion, maybe even reign it in at times in order to also appreciate the way others do things too.  Thursday night this Cinderella will break free from the walls of this tower and step out free from the shackles that are placed on her by the world around her. God will fulfill a need in her in that place, that time that only he can.  Then she will go back to her call to obedience trying to bloom where she was planted.

I hope this week you allow someone to bloom in your presence, maybe just maybe, you will catch their fire.

"And let us consider how we many spur one another on toward love and good deeds..."
Hebrews 10:24

Much Love,

Chrystan

PS- This song nails it not in the context of a relationship for me but in the context of being free to be who I am where I am.

"Sure I'm a pretty girl up in a pretty world, but they say pretty hurts and
I don't wanna sit still look pretty..."

God Heal Our Land: A Hashtag For the People

I am a hashtag girl, love them!  I can't sit here and explain the hashtag but I can say they are a way to make something "trend", to be follow-able online.  So, a hashtag (I use #boymom multiple times a week) goes with a picture you post or tweet or a status update and it follows you forever.  Yes, folks, forever it becomes a part of your online thumbprint FOREVER (she says in a Sandlot type tone)  This week our country saw yet another mass shooting.  The same familiar things played out, the same type of media coverage came onto our screens, we've seen the evacuation again, the police chase and the hunt to take these shooters down.  We have basically had a shooting for everyday this year, that's sad fact.  Our President and many others have stated in interviews, in tweets and posts "Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families during this time". #godisntfixingthis Is the latest hashtag to blow up the Internet today.  The back lash of this was this headline:

How very bold of Daily News to post this as a front pager today.  Then came the online quarrel and cruelness back and forth; Christians and Non-believers hashtag about this post and the #godisntfixingthis and it gets uglier and uglier.  I heard 3 believers that are hosts of the Today show this morning covering the story of this hashtag and Daily News cover. With each statement my heart ached for them.  They were nervous to speak on it, fumbling through their words, trying to tip toe through standing up for their faith.

Let me say in boldness and truth my God's agenda is not your agenda.  He has every right to let us sit in our sin.  You want him to fix a country that has turned their back completely on him?  You want him to lay his hand of peace and love and protect us when we lash out in hatred toward each other. When we bathe ourselves in sin with porn at our finger tips, pastors on infidelity websites all while feeding our egos by obsessing over how many shares and likes our selfie gets.  Lord, forgive us, Lord forgive me.  Christians we are luke warm. Non-believers you are headed down a scary road.  Instead of fighting you and defending my powerful God, let me tell you what prayer has done in my life.

We just built a house. We just moved in to our dream home, that we saved and sacrificed for.  Not just a few months after we moved in, my husband lost his job.  Out of nowhere for no just reason my husband was let go of a good, steady, well paying job for a company that he had been a leader in for 10 years.  Financial security, gone.  And everything stood still and for a moment I felt panic creeping in.  I did what I know to do. I met with God.  I went to the end of my farmhouse table and sat and I cried out (literally, ugly cry) to my God. I warded off panic and fear with prayer.  For over 2 months nothing, no job.  For  almost 3 months we prayed. Our friends prayed. Our family prayed. Our church prayed.  I prayed for my husband to find worth outside of the strong provider gene he has. I prayed peace over us, that no matter what we would find refuge in God.  I never doubted that God would provide for us, never once, God's got this we said over and over to friends who didn't understand why we weren't panicking.  For these months I saw God molding my husband, drawing him into the word and walking closely with him.  I cry now typing it out, because it was beautiful.  Today, this morning GOD FIXED THIS.  My husband walked out of my house at 6:30am to start his new job.  I praise God for his provision of a job, and actually a better paying job!  But I want you to know I praise God because during this time of trouble he provided a calm in our home, he made this time sweet, he brought us nearer to him in many ways. Our marriage is stronger and our walk with God is so very sweet.
Today I cry out to God in prayer for my country, for this world.

Your hashtag doesn't make me doubt God. Your headline doesn't make me hate you.  Your Internet hatred of my sweet Savior only draws me closer to him.  Your attack on prayer only makes me pray harder.  Because scripture tells me I should be fervent in prayer and that if I pray, if I remain humble and turn from these wicked ways that he will heal our land.  God Bless America Land that I love...let us get back to the roots this country was built and away from hashtags that tare away at that.
#godhealourland #godhealyourpeople #godforgiveus

Much Love,
Chrystan

A Treasure Map Through Suffering

“You don’t really know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” - Tim Keller

I don’t understand suffering. It’s a concept I cannot wrap my brain around.  I am a human person and suffering is something that I get stuck walking through.  Easily I shake my fist at my sweet Lord.  I say “How could” “Why are you” “What about your goodness”  “What about your love” “Don’t my tears mean anything to you Lord?”  “What about her faith, don’t you see she is a good and faithful woman?”  “What about my faith?  Don’t you see I am praying over here, do you hear my prayers Lord?”  “You can answer them Father.  You can strike this down and make this well.  I don’t understand!”  

I don’t understand so I go to the word, The Bible, it’s the only thing I can do.

The Bible is not meant for beating on.  The Bible is not meant to be a step stool for us to stand on so we can look down on those around us. The Bible is not meant for what so many use it for, self-righteousness and hurt. For lashing out on, for judgment and agendas.  This sweet book, the Holy Bible, is meant as a guidebook for the lost.  Think of it as a map, a treasure map.  Right now there is suffering in this life. Right now today my family is hurting and confused and so am I.  So today, I go to The Holy Bible, and start back down the path for treasure. Let us run, not walk, to the treasure of the word of the Lord.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9: 9-10

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.  Our hope for you in unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

The verses go on an on.  Something to remember is we are not meant for here.  We were never meant to be out of communion with God.  We were supposed to be spending our days in a garden in the presence of the Lord, being in direct relationship with God and loving him with all our days.  This world is full of pain and suffering and hardness and death.  God is literally counting up till the day when we are reunited with him in Heaven and can get back to the plan. The plan of him, with us all our days.  He is anxiously awaiting our arrival into his courts. Until that day comes there will be bad days, sick babies, sin, pain and suffering. But we can look forward to the future of being with our good Father someday.  Until then I can meet him in prayer and in his word through the Holy Bible.  Until then, I will hunt for treasures stored up in Heaven.

Sister, if you are struggling today. If you don’t know the Lord or if you have shut him out of your life may I encourage you to lean into his word today? If you don’t know where to start I suggest Ephesians and Psalms those are some of my favorites.  Reach out to the believers around for your love and support.  We are here, struggling through the same life and have troubles as well. Let us band together in love and solidarity for the glory of God, the one who made us FEARFULLY and BEAUTIFULLY in his image of LOVE.

Much Love,

Chrystan

PS- I know there is so much more on this topic, we could go deeper and deeper. There's so much theology here and so many more words. Maybe someday we will study this topic together. Today these are the words God gave me, for someone out there that needs to here just this.